I write cryptic-ass horoscopes because I was an English major and I like being mysterious. Click here to get these delivered straight to your email inbox.

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March 21 - April 19

It's almost your time to shine, Aries! It's about to be your new year, and this season always feels like a great time to get your shit together. Check off all of those annoying administrative items you've had on your list for the last six months. Yes, your horoscope just told you to go to the DMV. I'm so sorry. If you go now, you can party on your bday guilt free! 

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April 20 - May 20

Uranus is about to move into Taurus for SIX YEARS. It's time to take that career risk you've been thinking about. This is a time to experiment with unorthodox business ideas, change the trajectory of your finances, or uproot the lifestyle you've been living for the last while. You had a taste of this in November, but you have six years to make these money moves. Go off. 

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May 21 - June 20

I'm sensing burnout. You always do this to yourself. Overworking yourself is not going to help you accomplish any more. You're going to get frustrated and want to quit. I know it's cliche, but you need to work smarter, not harder. Think of ways you can cut corners on your projects, and do it for the sake of allowing more of your creativity to shine through. The less boring stuff you have to do, the more fun you can have. 



June 21 - July 22

What are you doing? You are falling into old habits out of fear of not being able to ever change. You need to have confidence in yourself, BY YOURSELF. Cancer, you love your partnerships, but I need you to do things alone, for you. Don't settle for dependence because you are afraid you will never be independent. Do something by yourself every day this month. I dare you. 



July 23 - August 22

Earth to Leo? Is anybody home? You're losing touch with your vision. You're seeing success in your life but you need to remember why you're doing what you do. Is it for fame? Glory? Or is it passion. Go back to the basics this month, and force yourself to learn a new skill. Something that helps with your goal that you always figured you didn't need to know about. Go back to basics, get back on the ground, and bring yourself back to where this all started.



August 23 - September 22

Hello my Virgo children. I have something to dangle in front of you. It's called a fresh start. The astrological new year starts on March 20th. This is the time to start that project, relaunch an old idea, get a new planner, and establish your vision for the future. Uranus moves into Taurus this month for the next six years - so the planets are on your side in all matters of business and $$$. Take advantage. 



September 23 - October 22

Libra loves, I have a full moon for you this month! March 20th is the Libra full moon, so this is an amazing time for you to really reward yourself and make a list of all of the things you're proud of. This month, we're celebrating the journey. It's easy for you to take compliments on your look and vibe, but hard for you when it comes to your achievements. Take this moon to list out the things you love about yourself, and ask the universe for more.

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October 23 - November 21

Don't ruin your life before you even live it. Pisces season is bringing out some deeply buried feelings and you're covering them up with fun, freaky distractions. I don't want you to ignore those emotional discoveries, though. Sometimes we need assistance working out our problems, but you need to ask for that help. No one is a mind reader -- you know that better than anyone. Write some letters. Send them. Or burn them.



November 22 - December 21

So, did you completely change your life last month? I'm hoping you took on my Sagittarius stay in one place challenge, but if you didn't I still love you. This month is about emotional growth. Take a note from Taylor Swift's Elle essay and write down 30 things you've learned in your lifetime. You might find out something about yourself you weren't seeing before. 



December 22 - January 19

Deep breath in and out please, Cappy. You work so hard and we love you so much, but you need to take a little spring break this month. Go do something that appeals to your soul - see a concert, movie, play, opera. Go enjoy some art and take a second to watch Netflix on your couch. You don't need plans everyday. I can write you a work note, don't worry.



January 20 - February 18

Hello my water bearers! Hope you've been enjoying our time with Venus in Aquarius. Did you ghost someone this month yes or no? Hey, by the way you should text that person from December. They're thinking of you and you probably need closure anyway. Sometimes the answers to our future lie in our recent past. Just trust me on this one. It will be a win-win. 



February 19 - March 20

I hope Pisces season has been teaching you all about who you are becoming in this lifetime. Things are rekindling in the romantic department for you lately which is exciting because we all know how much you love love. Be careful though, epic love isn't always worth a broken heart down the road. Pace yourself and make sure you're okay with what you're getting into.